A Healthy Relationship Begins With the One You Have with Yourself

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself first," I might still not be a rich woman, but I'd be able to buy us both a double latte...for a month or two...

There is truth to that of course, as annoying as some of the cliché advice often is.  Sadly, it's often given by those who are happy in a relationship already or just trying to nicely tell us that they're really not interested in us, that shrugs away any would-be credibility and keeps us from actually listening to any of it.

Here's the thing...we all "love" ourselves, it's something we're born with.  We don't have to "learn" to love ourselves.  We love ourselves enough to pity ourselves, buy ourselves things we want, fight for love we want to hold onto, defend our lives, defend our emotions, etc.  Even self-destructive behavior is attached to loving ourselves.  Addiction and even suicide stem from a desire to protect ourselves from those things that wound us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  So it's not love that we need to find for ourselves.  Well then, what is it?  Some would say respect, as was recently said to me.  That may be part of it.  I think the real word I'm looking for, though, is faith.  The belief that you ARE worth someone who will treat you well, that it IS okay if someone doesn't like you back and you can move on from it in a healthy way (and chalk it up to experience) and that you CAN get the job you want, that you CAN lose that last 20-30 (or in my case more than 50) pounds.  And you can.  We all can.  Sometimes we get stuck though.  We remember the few people in our lives that said something negative to us, even people we love who tried to protect us by telling us that we "shouldn't" do something or we "should" have done something else, or we "can't" do that or are we really sure we can manage that?  Those voices are, unfortunately, a strong part of our inner-psyche because our brains will refer to those things in order to keep us safe.

You can't block the voices out really if they were messages sent by people who you loved and trusted--and more importantly those who said these things because they loved YOU (namely, parents) or people you looked up to and respected (any authority really).  You will have to build up successes that proved them wrong in order to reestablish your mind's trust that you really CAN do all of the things you were told you couldn't.  So...my advice?  If you weren't that great of a writer and you could never publish anything, volunteer to write a piece for a local paper or magazine.  Trust me, they're out there.  If you were told that you could never dance because you lack coordination, then you go out there and take a dance class. We only live one time (that we know of), don't waste it worrying about what you "can't" do.  Think about all of the things you can do and DO do every single day that some feel that THEY can't.

I believed (from past experiences) that I'd never be able to get back into college.  I believed I'd never finish college.  I believed I was not capable of getting A's. Yet, I managed all three and balanced it with many other things in my life (such as single-motherhood) and though it's not the best paying field I could have gotten into, it's one of the most rewarding and I can still chalk it up to a SUCCESS in my life.  


So who is really our worst critic?  Is it our parents? Our peers?  Our sixth grade teacher? Society? Or is it the remnants of all of the negatives we've heard for so long that we've created an entity all its own in our own minds?  Our own inner-voice.  We remind ourselves all the time that we didn't do that right the last time, we probably won't this time either.  Our last relationship went down in flames, this one probably will too...  We gained back all of the weight we lost, we can't possibly ever be thin...we weren't "meant" to be thin.  Perhaps not, but healthy and fit we can be.  With our bodies, in our relationships, in our minds, and in life in general.  We have that ability, we just have to have FAITH that we can achieve it.  Because we can.

The truth is, we really should think twice before getting into a relationship until we are in a situation with ourselves where it could ONLY add to our lives.  If it is at ALL a fulfillment to something missing, we will likely miss the mark and fall apart when it's over.  Not to mention, we will not be at all attractive to the one we want to be with, or the one who's interest we want.  I can give you an example of a not-so-long-ago experience.

I started hanging out with a guy who is still a friend and I like and respect very much.  We hadn't really gotten to know each other on any kind of deep level before one day we kissed.  It was one of the greatest first kisses I ever had, by the way.  Not a real passionate kiss, like I'd had before, more like a sweet kiss, a very romantic kiss.  It was bliss to me, who hadn't been kissed in a while.  He was handsome, strong, intelligent, sweet.  Great attributes and seemed what I'd been looking for.  Really fun guy.  Anyway, as much as I hate to admit it, I found him to be more of an escape than an actual addition to my life.  I lacked confidence, he gave me some.  I lacked feeling important, he made me feel important. I lacked romantic love, and he made me feel it was possible again. I missed intimacy, and he gave me a taste of what I remembered and longed for.  He wasn't "in" to me, but maybe we were both just finding something we missed briefly in one another, something that was destined to fall apart at the seams before it had a chance to go anywhere.  It was never going to be anything healthy for us, he was always going to long for something I wasn't and I was always going to know I wasn't her :)  Instead of thinking "Wow, maybe this guy's a player and he's just kissing me because I'm someone to kiss," I was thinking, "What am I doing wrong?  I'm not pretty enough or thin enough."  By today's standards, half of Hollywood's most anorexic don't feel pretty or thin enough, so why do we allow ourselves such ridiculous inner dialogues.  I cannot emphasize this phrase enough:  It's not about how the person you're with or interested in sees you, but how you see yourself when you're with them.

Bottom line: We need to have faith that we WILL find a person to treat us the way we should be treated and the way we treat others, but first we have to have the faith that we deserve it.  When we don't think we deserve it, we act desperate because something in us tells us that the way we are being treated is acceptable, even when it hurts us (which is a pretty good indicator that it's NOT acceptable).  Sadly, when we are lacking in any area in our lives, we throw a signal out there that says: "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy," and people will treat us in kind.  It's not fair, but it's the way it is.  


Think of a sick chicken and how other chickens will peck it to death because it's seen as weak.  Now compare that to a true story about an elk who was attacked by a cougar and fell behind the herd, but then bravely stood her ground with the cougar.  The cougar left her.  Same rules apply in our society, as we are not as far removed from the wild as we might like to think.  Be that elk.  KNOW you are worthy, because you are.  Be that beacon of light unto yourself and to others.  Be the strength of your own voice and those who have none and remember yourself for what you really are: a beautiful and worthy individual.

The Best Keys to Success in Weight Loss

A Little Word About Me and The First Step: Recognizing Your Weaknesses AND Strengths.

I'd like to start out by saying that in no way am I thin or really even all that physically fit at the moment. I, however, DO know what it takes to lose weight, having lost 100 lbs. in the past (after having been heavy most of my childhood and young adulthood) and keeping it off for a decade.  I gained WELL over 100 lbs. during my pregnancy and continuing on after the birth of my daughter, which is not the easiest thing to admit, but anyone who knows me would know that without my saying so anyway.  I lost around 90lbs. from August of 2006 up to last year, having begun my journey in 2006 weighing well over 300 lbs., which I'd never weighed before.  Imagine weighing yourself finally after years of ignoring the accumulating pounds only to find you can't even get the scale to register your weight!  TILT!!!

The humility hit me pretty hard.  It's like anything in your life you let go of...credit cards, outstanding debt, housecleaning.  I was so depressed after I had my daughter (her father left just days before she was born after being caught cheating, all the while I was dealing with the fact that he returned to alcoholism and all of the mental/emotional anguish that's tied up with that roller coaster).  I naturally felt sorry for myself.  I wanted others to feel sorry for me too.  My life was turned upside down.  Instead of having the husband, home, 2.5 kids, the dog, the summer vacations, and room-mom kind of life I had envisioned, I was moving back in with my parents, had a baby who screamed for 8 months, student loads to pay on an unfinished college career, one-income/meager-waged job, no child support to speak of, unfinished goals, an extinguished social life, and no light I could see at the end of the tunnel.  I was depressed.  Who wouldn't be?  But instead of seeking counseling or trying to scramble my way out, I succumbed to my depression.  Oh, I was a good mother.  I loved my baby and I made sure all of her needs were met, however unreasonable infants seem to be, but I drowned myself with every small pleasure I could get my hands on, to make up for the big pleasures I felt I'd been cheated.

By 2006, I weighed somewhere around 327 lbs.  I was killing myself.  I would get out of bed and my entire body ached.  It took literally 10 minutes or more JUST to get out of BED!!!  My feet constantly hurt.  I was on cement floors and with all of the weight, I had issues I'd never had in my life taking their toll on my physical health, not to mention mental and emotional...and spiritual.  I ended up with what are called superficial varicose veins, which started surfacing to the outside of my skin.  My legs were hot and itchy and my feet, swollen.  My blood pressure, which had always been below normal, was now high, I had heart palpitations, etc.  It was a nightmare.  People who had pictures of me of how I looked when I was thin and had the tiniest waist ever, would bring them in and think they were inspiring me to lose weight.  It made me feel even worse...I knew what I looked like.  I never thought I'd ever see 200 lbs. again, let alone look like that again.  (Which I still don't today, by the way).

That same year, the store I worked at for nearly 10 years closed and I had no options for how I was going to keep my apartment or where I could go to work.  My entire life was out of control.  I decided to take the reins.  I made the (however unpopular) decision to return to college and complete my degree and to start walking, however painful it was.  I returned to school that Winter.  I still remember dropping my bottle of water on the sidewalk, bending down to retrieve it and actually having muscle failure on my way back up.  With the added weight of my bag, I struggled embarrassingly just to stand back up...  That was it for me.  I made sure that I took the stairs (and still do) EVERY single time.  After four flights of stairs, I'd have to stop and catch my breath, feeling like I was going to throw up in the beginning, but I slowly brought up my stamina and my endurance.  I walked the long way, parked as far away as I could...I hated it, I was so hot by the time I got to where I was going.  Red-faced, out of breath, feeling like a heart attack waiting to happen...but I quickly lost 40 lbs. within the year. It didn't take long for me to see my weight again on a normal bathroom scale.  A humble victory, but a victory nonetheless.  I lost another 40 lbs. over the course of the following year, after joining walking classes, step-aerobics classes, yoga, and as many physical activities as I could work into my schedule.  While cardiovascular activities, like aerobics, have fast results, there is no exercise quite like walking.  Walking is fun, great exercise, provides cardiovascular and anaerobic activity, not to mention you are working many muscles with much less negative impact on your joints, and the fresh air from doing it outside is essential to burning more fat.  Today, I've gained a little winter weight, but am about 50 lbs. from my pre-child bearing weight.  Sounds like a lot, but after losing so much, it's definitely doable.  That's what we all need to remember, as I've reached goals in the past...it's doable.

As I write this, I realize that I'm not the poster-child for amazing health or fitness, but my experiences (both positive and negative) might help provide motivation and understanding for experiences you, yourself, may have encountered or are battling now.  I want to be candid in telling my story, because none of us are perfect.  I have underlying issues that will likely make me prone to gain weight or proverbially "reaching for the twinkies" my entire life and it's a battle I have to choose to face head on actively EVERY day.  We all do.  It's like housecleaning.  You can clean your house and have it look great, but if you ignore it after a week, it's going to need your attention again...you've got to clean it every day to keep it clean.  Same thing here.

So here are some keys to weight loss that I've been researching and incorporating into my own life and I promise you, they work.  Simple, easy, common-sense.

Simple, yet Essential Keys

• Drink Plenty of Water (I know we've all heard it before, but you need to understand WHY)
• Water flushes toxins AND fats
• It boosts your metabolism (especially if you drink a couple of glasses first thing in the morning)
• We are made up of around 80% water, we NEED it to function, your organs need it.
• It keeps our skin clear and youthful looking
• Without enough water, we can get lethargic and sick due to dehydration and accumulated toxins that collect in our bodies.  We can encounter digestion issues, not to mention problems with our kidneys and liver.
• Get Enough Sleep
• Without enough sleep, our bodies don't get a chance to repair damage to our bodies from every day wear and tear.
• Without enough sleep, our bodies will be low in energy the next day and we will crave more calories (and usually the junkier variety) just to stay awake, defeating efforts to be fit.
• We will be more prone to illness as our bodies try to stay awake rather than fight off germs and viruses.
• People who don't get enough sleep tend to burn less FAT.
• Take Vitamins
• Vitamins help replenish lost nutrients, but also making sure you have a supplement means that your body will have less cravings on the chance that you shorted yourself of certain nutrients (yes, the body is smart.  It creates cravings to BEG you to give it what it needs, but usually we choose foods that are not so healthy when these cravings occur).
• Vitamins supplements may help the body absorb other nutrients it needs that can only be absorbed in combination.  It helps ensure that your body will continue working properly and repairing DNA (Vitamin C is your best friend) as it goes.

A word about Journal-keeping and Weigh-ins:

No matter what anyone might tell you (and believe me, I LOVED hearing that I didn't need to count calories or weigh myself when I heard people say that), you OWE it to yourself to do it.

There are programs out there that you can down-load onto your iPods or phones, onto your computer, etc. that make calorie counting and journal-keeping easy.  If you don't want to do it electronically, though, that's fine.  But you NEED to record your food and calorie intake.  Until I started doing this, I had NO idea how many calories (and stupid calories) I was consuming.  It's like spending 5$ a day on a cup of coffee and ignoring the fact that by the end of the month, I'm spending $150.  Same thing goes for calories.  As I said before, I like milk in my coffee....but 265 calories in one morning????  I don't NEED that.  I'll switch to tea. I can have 3 cups of tea for a total of 7 calories and I get the same amount of caffeine (which...I need to eliminate one of these days).

I hate formal weigh-ins and will avoid them at all costs (the gym does this occasionally and so does any weight-loss program you do formally).  However, I recommend weighing yourself once a week.  I choose Sunday as my weigh-in day, just because...it's a day I can easily remember.  I recommend buying a Weight-Watchers scale or some kind of scale that weighs to the ounce.  I don't get the whole BMI thing and how it works on the scale (I'm technologically challenged), but if that works for you, do it.  I also recommend HIGHLY measuring yourself.  Measure the biggest part of your arms, your thighs, your hips, waist, chest.  Do it.  Sometimes the scale won't budge while you're replacing fat with muscle, but seeing what you've done in inches, says a whole lot.

I also recommend getting yourself a blood pressure (if you are prone to high blood pressure) and/or heart monitor to see your progress in fitness.  Fred Meyer pharmacy has a free machine to measure your blood pressure and heart rate.  It's a nice way to pat yourself on the back and know that you're improving your overall fitness level.

"Natural Flavors" are anything BUT

We've all heard about MSG (monosodium glutemate).  Most of us have assumed that it is a substance unique only to Chinese food and maybe a few vending machine goodies.  NOT the case.  MSG is found in ALL restaurant food, all processed foods, even some vegetables are "washed" in MSG water.  Meat bought in the grocery store is often pumped with MSG to keep it plumper (not to mention the various other compounds found in meat).  Don't be fooled.

What is MSG?


In order to really understand what MSG is, you need to first understand the chemical combination of the substance and WHY it is a hazard to your body and overall health.  MSG is essentially a sodium atom attached to the amino acid, glutemate.  The problem is that our bodies recognize the protein molecules as building blocks, even though processed glutemate, such as this, is NOT like the one our bodies produce!  Therefore, they are an allergen, a toxin, that the body does not readily recognize and can damage our DNA.  It makes our body (first triggered by our tongues) that we are ingesting a true protein, which in turn signals the pancreas to create and release insulin.  This creates low blood sugar and makes us hungry all over again.  Please read more on this site and research for yourselves.  Remember, educating yourself gives you power over your own health, something that the FDA and USDA are less concerned about than you might think.

www.msgtruth.org/whatisit.htm


Are any of these ingredients listed on the back of the package?

MSG	Gelatin	Calcium Caseinate
Monosodium glutamate	Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein (HVP)	Textured Protein
Monopotassium glutamate	Hydrolyzed Plant Protein (HPP)	Yeast Extract
Glutamate	Autolyzed Plant Protein	Yeast food or nutrient
Glutamic Acid	Sodium Caseinate	Autolyzed Yeast
Vegetable Protein Extract	Senomyx (wheat extract labeled as artificial flavor)

All contain 78% MSG or more. 


Please look at this website for more information or others like it.  Sometimes a little detective work is all you need to learn to change your diet!


 http://www.msgmyth.com/hidename.htm

MSG is a neurotoxin that is virtually a poison to us.  It was introduced by the Japanese in the 40's as a way of masking tasteless food and making your brain think it tastes better and "healthier."  We now know it tricks the brain in other ways that leads to many health problems and obesity.  Please look at this website for more information and feel free (as I've said before) to research this yourself.  Educating yourself about MSG and other chemicals in food that help keep America unhealthy is your best defense and weapon against growing and upcoming epidemics that we live and will continue to face.

http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/107774.aspx

About Counting Calories

Okay, I'm not going to lie.  I really hate calorie counting with a passion.  I hate dieting in general.  However, if you are going to successfully lose weight, you've (we've) got to come to terms with the fact that energy coming in is balanced with the energy going out.  Just like a hard-earned deposit made to the bank in balance with money we've spent shopping for something we may not have really wanted, we've got to watch what kind of calories we consume.

Here is an example of things to change in your diet (as I'm learning).

I like coffee.  A lot.  Now, I cut out all of my quad peppermint mochas after finding out that they put EIGHT pumps of syrup in there!  I went down to 1/4 of the flavor and then cut them out altogether.  If I buy coffee, I drink an Americano.  However...I add cream to it.  If I only consume one of these puppies a day, I'm probably okay, but the problem is, that I drink coffee in the morning at home first, with 2% milk.  I accumulated the calories for just one morning and I realized I was drinking 265 calories just in my multi-cups of coffee before I even ate anything for breakfast.  In one morning, I ate almost my entire calorie budget (waffles, bacon, coffee with milk, and fruit).  I realized that something was going to have to change...

SWITCHING TO:

TEA, which in my opinion needs no milk at all (yuck), is not only healthier (according to experts), but is also virtually nothing in calories. (Some teas list 0 calories, others around 2). If you are addicted to caffeine like me, you can get Earl Grey or any other kind of black tea that still has the same caffeine as coffee, but is less acidic and easier on your system.  I highly recommend making the switch.  I know change is hard, especially with diet, but it's a suggestion.  You have micro-organisms in your intestines that are crucial to digestion and weight-loss that have a hard time surviving if you are an avid coffee drinker.  Just something to think about.

Another problem for me is fatty dairy.  I'm not so much a sweets fan (cutting out sugar makes you lose the craving quickly), but I love cheese, butter, sour cream, etc.

SWITCHING TO:

Actually, there are no replacement for butters and creams without adding chemicals to your diet, which I also recommend avoiding as MUCH as possible.  However, there are healthier options to butter, such as olive oil, but like butter, you have to watch the calories.  One tablespoon of butter = 102 calories, but is at least a natural substance, unlike margarine that contains fats your body can't digest well.  There are butter spreads that contain conola oil and are half the calories, but they contain things like maltodextrine and "natural flavors" which contain MSG and are chemicals that accumulate in your body and mess with reactors in your brain.  My suggestion is to SKIP butter altogether.

Meat...a lot of people believe they have to have meat to get protein into their diet.  I will go into more depth about meat later, but I will tell you right now that beans and rice together work in synergy to provide a whole protein, do not contain the dangerous saturated fats that most meats have and are an easily digested protein with a bonus, fiber, something that is also necessary to digestion and weight loss.

The best thing to do, is to avoid ALL processed foods when possible.  Make it a priority and switch to whole foods that are as close to nature as possible.  I'm not saying you have to go vegan, but as close in that direction you can go, the better you will be for it.  I was a vegetarian for years before returning to eating meat while I was pregnant with my daughter.  I was much healthier, much thinner, much more tone, lower blood pressure, etc.  The most often you can cut out meat and incorporate beans and rice, the healthier you will be.  I'm hoping to follow my own advice here and am happy to give you feedback on my experiences toward these goals.

Budgeting your Life Changes to Think About

How many of us deposit our paycheck every two weeks, only to find that we're running short before the next payday?  Especially in THIS economy, I'll bet I'm not alone.

I had to withdraw from my Savings to cover a check I wrote that I knew wasn't going to clear in my checking account.  I thought to myself, how does this happen?  How am I spending so much in a week when I'm really not buying anything outstanding?  It wasn't BIG purchases that were draining my account, it was little ones.  Five dollars here, five dollars there...stupid, unnecessary "expenses" that I could have done without.  Let's just say, there's a reason that the Starbuck's crew knows my drink AND my name by heart...at every Starbuck's location in the county, no joke.

It isn't just my financial life that needed to be re-examined either, and I guess that's what I'm really getting at.  It's really about balancing life in general.  In a hectic, time-sensitive world, there's not much time to really take care of things that need our attention most.  Some of us start our days early, take our kids to school or catch the bus, get to work, try to fit in a fast lunch somewhere (forget about breakfast), try to make it home to catch the bus or pick up kids from practice, fix dinner, help with homework, go to bed...where do we fit in budgeting, balancing, and maintenance of our checkbooks, let alone our health?  Some do with little effort, but I'm not that organized.  So this is who this blog is for.  The unorganized :)  Myself and the rest of the unorganized world :)